Paradox
“Hey! Wait a minute!” shouted Dooberman Lambrusco, Compol Lieutenant to the man standing behind a cage in the Compol Molecular Reduction Material Warehouse, “You’re Zyzzx Zeeboomzee!”
“Is that you, Doobie?” Zyzzx asked, moving toward the locked gate.
“What are you doing here?” Dooberman questioned, unlocking the and letting Leeboomzee out.
“It was an accident.”
The two old friends were glad to see one another. They had been roommates at the Compol Academy, but had drifted apart when they graduated, Zyzzx had pursued a controller career, while Doobie had chosen to climb through the rungs of the Gigacorp security ladder. As they walked through the wide corridor toward Compol Central, they, reminisced about oldtimes. Like the time when they hid EMMBU (Employee Morale and Motivation Booster Unit) rods in an instructor’s chair, or when they released stun-gas in the Academy’s air recirculation system. Approaching the main entrance to Compol Central, they changed their cadence to qoose-stepping and chanted as they marched, “Com-pol, Com-pol, Com-pol…”
They were greeted by a Compol Sergeant-at-arms in full riot dress and brushed metal helmet. “Stand with your hands against the wall and spread your legs!” he barked. “Are you now or have you ever been employed by Commucorp or a Commucorp subsidiary?” the Compot asked, scanning Doobie and Zyzzx with a sensor wand.
“No,” they answered.
“You check out,” the Sergeant stated. “You may enter Compol Central.” He stepped in front of Zeeboomzee and Lambrusco. The three faced each other, placed their right fists on their chests, extended their right arms, banged on their chests again, placed the palms of their left hands together and shouted, “Compol! Compol! Compol!”
Dooberman led Zyzzx through the maze of cubicle-clusters in the heart of Compol Central until he came to his desk, located next to Gustav Von Stoppo’s vacant office. “I need to read my e-mail,” he told Zyzzx as he logged on at his terminal.
GIGACORP Top Secret Compol Command Memo To: Dooberman Lambrusco From: Gustav Von Stoppo Date: 10/16/91 Re: The Arrest of Elliott Quik It has been brought to my attention by Grodin Pudge that we are not dead people. Although Mr. Pudge appreciates the way Mr. Quik took hold of the situation in his absence, he feels that perhaps Mr. Quik overstepped his authority. Please set up an appointment with Mr. Quik for tomorrow morning at 09:00 hours in Mr. Pudge's office. Mr. Pudge feels that another inauguration is in order. Rent an ultra-luxurious limosine cruiser from Gigahertz. Please prepare the Gigacorp Stinger Memorial Anti-Aircraft Guardsmen to avoid airborne field engineer attacks. Strip-search all employees in attendance at the festivities." Place Megatonic Destructor sharpshooters in the corners of the selected conference room. Photograph the entire crowd. And, most important of all, frisk Boy and Girl Gigascouts. As a precaution, remove all electronic mail boxes along the route from the conference room to the executive suite. This will minimize the risk of terrorist video bombs. It is Mr. Pudge's desire to replace Mr. Quik with Mr. George Mush as Executive Vice-President. However, Mr. Quik still has a place with the corporation as Vice-President of the new diagnostic division Mr. Pudge would like to institute. Mr. Pudge feels that this new department will lure field engineers into a career change and divide their loyalties between Buck Wheat and Big Bucks. This is a chance to do good, Doobie. Do your best! Gigacorp has always had your best interest in mind and will continue to protect you, its employee. That is all! Return to your cruiser!
“We the jury find the defendant, GK-777, not guilty. And we the jury would also like to thank Mr. Masson for the delicious gum he gave us before we entered the deliberation room. Do you have some more?”
“Yes,” added the judge, “that certainly was good. Well, Mr. Robotto, how does it feel to be a free…”
“Where did the robot go?” asked the jury foreman.